I am an only child raised by a Jamaican, Christian, single mom. Though there were times when my mom struggled to provide for me, she always aimed to be the best mother possible, and made sure I had a memorable childhood. My family has a history of broken households and toxicity. As expected, my life was not perfect.
Up until about age 13, my childhood was remarkable. My family had weekly movie nights, annual trips out of town and so much more that every kid dreamed of. As I grew older, things took a bad turn. My mom went on a venture to get closer to God and everything changed. As she got closer to God, she became very strict. I felt like I was robbed of my joy, peace, freedom, and experiences. I was no longer allowed to participate in the activities that had previously brought joy to my life. My mom and the Church were now in control of my thoughts and actions. I was living the life that they wanted for me and not one I envisioned for myself. I was forced to hide the things I loved most in life because it did not align with the “christ like” being that I was expected to be.
All this severely impacted my mental health. I didn’t get the freedom to figure out who I was or where I fit in the world. As a result of this, when I transitioned into adulthood, I was adulting all wrong. I lacked trust in my own judgment, constantly seeking validation and approval from others, often prioritizing their opinions over my instincts. I feared being alone in my own thoughts. In an attempt to divert my attention from my own life, I consistently focused on assisting or fixing others when, in reality, I was the one in need of healing and support.
I tried to convince myself that things weren’t that bad but I would say worrisome things like, “shoot me in the face” for the smallest reasons, such as getting anything less than the perfect score on a test or other simple mistakes. I didn’t even realize the words coming out of my mouth. That goes to show how out of touch I was with myself.
From the outside looking in, I was happy, strong and confident. Inside I was broken, scared, and alone. I harbored anger towards my mom, the Church, and God, and let it affect both my self-perception and relationships with friends. The absence of self-love and self-awareness made me project my pain outwardly. Carrying the weight of anger and self-doubt became an immense burden. There came a moment when, despite my desire to support others, I realized I had depleted my own emotional reserves. I felt hollow, prompting a swift realization that change was imperative.
I embarked on a quest to find a therapist, and I felt a sense of comfort upon discovering one with whom I truly connected with. During our therapy sessions, I gained insight on what true happiness entails. I realized the need to unlearn the ingrained behaviors and thoughts that had been conditioned over time, often leading to self-judgment and harsh judgments of others.
I took a step back from those around me after making a conscious decision to shower myself with love and embrace my authentic self. I became my own friend, my biggest supporter, and a champion of following my heart, cultivating a positive mindset, and embracing my imperfections as a source of beauty.
This journey led to a transformation marked by heightened confidence, self-reliance, and genuine happiness. I learned to love myself unconditionally, to be my own cheerleader even when no one else is in the bleachers, and to forgive what seemed unforgivable. Trust in myself and my unique life journey has created a deep-seated inner peace. This inner peace is what I believe everyone deserves, and it's what I hope readers will gain from my book.
This mental health journal is designed to be your trusted companion on the path to emotional well-being and self-discovery while healing. Within its pages, you'll find a sanctuary to explore and express your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, fostering a deeper understanding of yourself. Through guided prompts and exercises, it gently encourages reflection, gratitude, and mindfulness, empowering you to develop healthy coping mechanisms and resilience in the face of life's challenges.
By utilizing this journal, you embark on a transformative journey, gaining clarity on your mental health, identifying patterns, and setting achievable goals. It's a space free from judgment, inviting you to celebrate and embrace your journey of healing. Upon completion, you will be equipped for an EVER NEW life.
